Grief: A Necessary Evil?
7 years ago I lost my Dad to Cancer. My Dad was a Firefighter for 25 years and could light up the darkest of rooms with his belly laugh. He was larger than life in many ways and thanks to him and my Mum, I grew up with so much love around me. I watched him slowly deteriorate and become a different version of himself. The sound of any siren would send me running home with my heart in my throat. My life went from safe and secure to uncertain and devastating. When a loved one is terminally ill everything else drops out of focus and you feel like you are standing in a soundproof room alone, screaming at the top of your lungs. It consumes you every day and it changes you.
When Dad passed away I felt a pit in my stomach constantly, for my Mum and her broken heart and for the future my Dad would not be a part of; walking me down the aisle, Grandchildren, Birthdays, Christmas’s and just to give me a huge hug when I had a royally crappy day. I felt angry he had been taken and people were still walking this earth who had a total disregard for life. I shared a bed for 6 weeks with Mum and our new labradoodle puppy Fingle that Dad had wanted us to get, to give us a positive focus and a reason to actually get out of bed. My Mum is my best friend and always will be. We took each day at a time and each day we would take it in turns to pick each other up. This was not living it was simply surviving.
My Dad was not afraid to die. He was afraid for us and how we would cope with the grief. He told us the best way to honor him and his memory was to live life not sail through, but to laugh, to experience new things even if they were scary, to make time for things that were important and to look after each other. I believe that in order to truly appreciate the good things in your past and the things yet to come, you need to experience the bad. No one person goes through life without experiencing pain, hurt and loss. It touches every single one of us, even though at times it feels like we are so incredibly alone in our grief. He told me to cry if I needed to but, when I had finished to lock it away in a box. Not to wallow in it or to let it consume me.
It took me months to talk about Dad without bursting into tears and to not want to punch every person in the face that said time heals all wounds. Time seemed to almost stand still. It didn’t get easier over time and I didn’t miss him less. What does happen however, is that what at first seems so alien, not having him there becomes more normal because we are human and we adapt.
We moved out of our family home 4 years after he passed, into to the country just outside of Brighton to a cottage in Upper Dicker. Even though Dad has never been there, I feel him there. I feel him in the quiet and the sun on my face and I can see him sitting on the bench in the garden with his eyes closed and a smile. I have accepted that this happened to us and we survived. I feel that Dad still plays a part in all the good that happens to me, including meeting my wonderful husband Terry who I met in the very same place my Dad met my Mum. He too has lost his Dad and our similar attitudes to life and discussing our experiances connected us on a deeper level very early on.
No one has ever been at the entrance to the pearly gates and thought I wish I had worked more, seen my family less, and experienced sod all. I still now 7 years on see my Mum at least once a week. I left teaching to become a private PA caring for people as I had done for my Dad. It isn’t the highest paid job by any means but, I work 2-3 24 hour shifts a week and get a lot of time off, because of the unsociable hours. I get job satisfaction because I am making a difference to someone’s life and it gives me such a good quality of life. It gives me time. Time to see all the people I love on a regular basis. The passing of my Dad forced me to look deep into myself and think about who I am and what I want from life. Not straight away but, eventually I was thankful for the beautiful memories I had of Dad, instead of feeling bitter that he had been taken too soon. I have no doubt that going through what I did has shaped the person I am today and my outlook on life.
We never know when our time will be up and It is cliché to say "live each day like it will be your last" but, maybe just make sure you are living it in a way that makes you content and will give you no regrets. Laugh more, worry less and spend time with those people who make you feel like you can fly.
I will always miss you and love you Dad. Always. x
The Test
Feeling makes us human, We are tested every day, If not we would be empty shells, We might as well be still, not move, just lay. To fight, To love, To lose, To live, To need, To want, To receive, To give.
